You ever just lay in bed thinking,
"I should masturbate... but I can't even bring myself to reach for the damn vibrator?"
Or maybe you want to initiate sex with your partner, but your brain is spinning in twelve muhfcking tabs of mental clutter and the idea of shifting from freeze mode to fuck mode feels damn near impossible.
Yeah. That.....
This is the part of ADHD NO ONE talks about. The part where desire lives in your mind, but your body won't cooperate. Last night I laid in bed and thought, "I should masturbate." Like, I had the urge. I even mentally scrolled through my toy drawer. I knew exactly which one I'd use. I could feel how good it would be.
And yet... I didn’t move. I couldn’t bring myself to start. I was stuck. Frozen.
I KNEW that it wasn't lack of desire... or that I was broken. I KNEW that executive dysfunction is a sneaky, dream sucking bitch. And yet- I still could not get started. Sound familiar????
We talk about the forgotten appointments, the piles of laundry, the time blindness. But we don’t talk about how ADHD paralysis can sneak into the bedroom. How it can silence your desire, mute your motivation, and leave you feeling like a disconnected ghost in your own body. It hijacks your most intimate moments, too. It whispers, "You're too tired. It's too much effort. Just scroll instead."
And here's the wild part: you can feel both horny and shut down at the same time. You can crave connection... and still not have the capacity to act on it.
For years, I thought something was wrong with me. I love sex. I teach sex. I literally help people rediscover their desire for a living. But there are nights I sit in bed, knowing exactly what would make me feel good, knowing the toy I want to use, knowing the lube and the exact setting... and I still. can't. start.
After years of unpacking this, I have found that libido, desire, lack of interest, etc are NOT the problem. It’s fucking ADHD.
ADHD paralysis makes even pleasurable things feel like a mountain. Our brains are constantly sorting through noise, stimuli, expectations.
And if you’ve been telling yourself you just need to "want it more" or "try harder" I want- no, I NEED you to stop right now and know this: your brain is not the enemy. But it does need some love, strategy, and sensual support. You can absolutely be horny and still not have the executive function to start. You can want to connect with yourself or your partner and still freeze when it’s time to move. And that doesn’t make you broken. It makes you human. Neurodivergent, yes....but not defective.
So here’s what helps me:
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Lower the bar. I don't start with "orgasm." I start with "what would feel nice right now?" Maybe that’s putting on a silky robe, maybe it’s just touching my thigh and breathing. Starting small builds momentum.
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Trigger the senses. ADHD brains love stimulation, and sometimes a little boost helps kickstart desire. My go to- this Arousal Gel. It’s tingly, spicy, and wakes everything up. Like, sensory alarm clock level wake up. This one. Trust me.
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Lube is non-negotiable. Even if you’re wet, even if you’re halfway there. Lube isn’t just about dryness yall. It’s about maximizing sensation. This is my ride-or-die: Simply Aqua. Clean, smooth, no distractions.
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Sex doesn’t have to be linear. Some nights I just lay there with my hand between my legs and breathe. That counts. That’s connection. That’s intimacy with yourself.
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Community helps. You’re not alone in this shit. My Sunroom is full of ADHD peeps, neurospicy minds, and just humans who get it. I share hacks, stories, and the real, messy truth. Come join the bedhead brigade.
So if you’ve ever stared at the ceiling, vibrator just out of reach, wondering why your body won’t cooperate, you’re not alone. If you’ve ever loved your partner but couldn’t initiate touch, you’re not broken.
You’re just wired differently.
And even if tonight is a no-go... tomorrow might be the day you pick up the vibrator.
This is your permission slip: pleasure doesn’t have to be perfect.
You can be horny and human. You can want it and struggle to begin.
You deserve to feel good and fking validated, even if it starts with just reading this post.
XOXO
Courtney Hurin
oh.... and I'm glad you came.