Why your body won’t “let go” when it doesn’t feel safe, and why self-pleasure still matters right now..
Let me say this loud, because way too many people are quietly spiraling about it:
If you’re having a hard time getting turned on or climaxing lately, you are not broken. You’re not “failing at sex.” You’re not some defective human who needs to try harder, buy a new toy, or “relax” (I swear to god if one more person tells a stressed-out woman to “just relax” I will bite).
Your body is doing exactly what it was designed to do.
Orgasming isn’t just a physical thing- itt’s also a nervous system thing.
Your orgasm is not a button. It’s a surrender.
Orgasms require your body to soften. To let go. To drop into sensation. To stop scanning the room (physically or emotionally) for what might go wrong.
And when your nervous system doesn’t feel safe, it can’t do that.
It’s like trying to fall asleep while your brain is convinced someone’s about to break in. Your body doesn’t care that you want to sleep. Your body cares that it thinks it needs to stay awake to protect you.
Same thing with pleasure.
When the world feels chaotic, when your feed is a nonstop horror show, when you’re carrying stress in your chest and jaw and shoulders… your body flips into survival mode. Not because you’re dramatic. Because your nervous system is listening. And it believes the threat is real.
So if masturbating feels impossible right now (like your brain won’t shut up, your body feels numb, and your vibe is basically “do not touch me”), that makes sense.
That is quite simply biology + trauma response + stress response doing their job.
Safety doesn’t only mean “my partner is nice.”
Here’s where things get important: “safety” isn’t just “I’m not in danger.” Safety is also:
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I’m not being pressured
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I won’t be punished if I say no
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I’m not trying to perform
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I’m not bracing for conflict after
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I’m not touched when I’m overstimulated
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I’m not carrying resentment that never gets repaired
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I have privacy
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I have permission to stop
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I’m not worried about being judged
Your body tracks all of that. Quietly. Constantly.
And if any of those things feel shaky, orgasm can be hard—even with a loving partner, even if you’re attracted to them, even if you want to want it.
Because desire doesn’t thrive under pressure. It shuts down.
“Okay Courtney… but WHY masturbate anyway?”
Because pleasure is regulation.
Not every time. Not like magic. Not like it fixes the world. But pleasure can help your nervous system downshift. It can remind your body that it’s allowed to feel something other than dread, tension, and vigilance.
Masturbation can be:
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a reset
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a release valve
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a moment where your body is yours again
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a practice of consent with yourself
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a tiny rebellion when everything feels out of your control
And honestly? In times like this, I want you to have as many regulation tools as possible. Especially ones that reconnect you to your body instead of pulling you further into your head.
So yes, even when the world feels scary (especially when it feels scary) self-pleasure matters.
Not as a performance.
As a resource.
Step one: recognize the “unsafe” signals
Before you try to force arousal, check in:
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Are you tense?
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Are you rushing?
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Are you secretly pressuring yourself to “finish”?
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Are you overstimulated?
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Are you expecting your body to flip a switch when it needs a ramp?
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Are you emotionally flooded from the news, conflict, parenting, money stress, or just… existing?
If the answer is yes, your next step isn’t “try harder.”
Your next step is safety.
Step two: make it easier to feel safe (even for 10 minutes)
Here are a few nervous-system-friendly ways to approach masturbation when you’re stressed:
1) Lower the goal. Seriously.
Your goal isn’t orgasm. Your goal is one percent better in your body.
Pressure kills pleasure. So stop demanding a performance from yourself.
2) Regulate first, then stimulate.
Before you touch your body, give your nervous system a signal:
Hand on chest, hand on belly. Slow inhale. Long exhale.
Tell yourself: “I’m safe enough for this moment.”
Not “everything is perfect.” Just “safe enough.”
3) Make it stupid easy.
Privacy. Door locked if you can. Phone on DND.
Headphones. Blanket. Dim light. Whatever tells your body “we’re not being watched.”
4) Warm-up touch is not optional when you’re stressed.
When your nervous system is activated, going straight to the clit can feel like… too much, too fast, or just annoying.
Start with thighs, hips, stomach, breasts. Let your body arrive.
5) Give your brain a track to run on.
If your mind won’t shut up, don’t bully it. Redirect it.
Use erotica, audio, fantasy, a memory (something that gives your attention a lane).
The brain loves a job. Give it one.
6) Let the toy do the heavy lifting.
If you’re exhausted, use tools. That’s not cheating. That’s working smarter.
Vibrators and suction toys can help you bypass the “effort” that stress steals.
7) Count it as a win even if you don’t orgasm.
If you touched your body with kindness.
If you breathed.
If you softened even a little.
If you stopped scrolling and came back to yourself.
That’s a fucking win.
Because you’re teaching your nervous system: “My body is a safe place to be.”
And that’s how orgasms get easier over time.
Step three: stop making orgasm the proof that you’re okay
This is the part I want to tattoo on everyone’s forehead:
You are still worthy of pleasure even when orgasm doesn’t happen.
You are still doing it “right” when your body needs more time.
You are still a sexual person even when your nervous system is tired.
Sometimes masturbation is fireworks.
Sometimes it’s comfort.
Sometimes it’s practice.
All of it counts.
If masturbating feels impossible right now…
Please hear me:
It makes sense. Your body is responding to the world you’re living in.
And also: your pleasure is not frivolous. Your pleasure is not something you earn after you’ve been productive, calm, and perfect.
Pleasure can be part of how you survive this season.
So if you’re too stressed to masturbate… that’s information.
And it’s also an invitation.
Start small. Make it safe. Take the pressure off. Let your body remember it’s allowed to feel good again.
If you want my Safety-First Guide (nervous-system-friendly orgasm tips + scripts + a “comfort first” checklist), check it out here totally free! 💗